anti-crunch bias and bug repellent tipples

unsnackable vol. 58

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Folu

Mar 28 2022

5 mins read

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I wanted my last purchase of 2021 to be a good omen for the upcoming year. Maybe that was asking too much. I try my damndest to avoid the consumerist trap of thinking a purchase will change my life. Still, I am merely human, and I had become radicalized by the deeply charming act of sipping pure caffeine from tiny cups when we were in Portugal.

So, before settling on a machine, I fell into the requisite spiral of research, even lurked in a Nespresso-themed discord server. Visions of a life tinged with energy somewhere between The Talented Mr. Ripley and a Korean Home Cafe insta account crept into my head.

The machine was supposed to arrive on New Year's eve, but all I received was a phantom shipment delivered notification. I figured the parcel would show up eventually and gave it a few days before calling customer service.

One call turned into two, and two weeks turned into three months of bi-weekly calls attempting to track down the order that left me embarrassingly teary and unsure of myself. I'll never miss an opportunity to turn frustration with a situation I can't control inwards as a cruel assessment of my coping abilities. At least I had the forethought to use the time I spent waiting to build some room in my morning routine for breakfasts worth the extra bit of effort.

From scratch, like this savory croissant waffle with smoked salmon, poached eggs, pesto hollandaise, and onion/ caper/chive with a blackberry matcha latte

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‎And with an unsnackable twist, like this bowl of Korean Oreo-O's and a black cocoa iced mocha.


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Don't worry. I kept that energy when my Nespresso finally arrived. I had to prep this breakfast sandwich with a cinnamon raisin English muffin, crispy fried egg, cumin aioli, merguez sausage, onions quick-pickled with cardamom pods (so! good!), and mint before bed the night before, and it paid off. My mediocre but delicious honey vanilla latte welcomed the effort. My understanding of human nature has been shaken now that I know how much milk is in a latte. It's too much.


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‎I recognize that statement is hypocritical because I also celebrated St. Patrick's Day with an ode to so many types of seasonally appropriate dairy products. This corned beef melt had two types of cheddar and an entire head of cabbage caramelized with dijon and bacon into a few tablespoons of goodness and a shamrock shake knockoff with toasted marshmallows.


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Apologies for turning this intro into the gustatory equivalent of an Instagram photo dump. That's a lie. I'm not sorry, but I did not forget the reason you're here- a garden-fresh set of unsnackables


‎th‎e unsnackables



sw‎eet



CROQUANTS À L

I've been told I have an anti-crunchy bias, but my beef only lies with foods that do not deliver enough flavor to justify the risk. These tiny cookies appear to be a crouton-sized riff on Fekkas, an anise-flavored standout in the twice-baked cookie category. I would sooner dip these into a cup of coffee than one of the stale coffee shop biscotti that constantly traumatized me when I attempted to consume them in the early aughts.


sa‎vory


แจ็กซ์ มันฝรั่งแท่งทอดกรอบ ซอสกลิ่นเมนไทโกะ (Thailand)

The umami of mentaiko sauce is not subtle. It's an all-encompassing experience for your entire palate. I'm not worried that this bag of fry-shaped chips (or, more accurately, chips ²) only comes with a small packet of mentaiko flavored dipping sauce because a little will go a long way. 


th‎irsty

CLUB MUSCATELLA (GHANA)

As a Nigerian, I cannot endorse my Ghanian cousins' taste regarding the correct way to prepare Jollof. I can concede that they made some right moves by relaunching this cult favorite but notoriously cloying caramel vanilla soda with a formulation that has less sugar. It disappeared from the market for a few years, so hopefully, this relaunch sparks the same excitement for them as I would feel if I saw dnL or the original 2004 formulation of Mountain Dew Pitch Black were back on the shelf.



bo‎ozy



PALO TUNEL LIQUOR (Mallorca)

‎‎‎

The other day when I was at a critical juncture of blending out my liquid eyeshadow before it set, a mosquito landed directly underneath my chin. I attempted to swat it away, but it remained steadfast and took a long guzzle of...me. By then, I had finished blending the eyeshadow and had to admit that I was quite intoxicating and could no longer blame the mosquito for being drawn to me. I can't help but wonder if I would have been saved from this fateful experience if I was sipping some of this medicinal herbal liqueur first created in the 16th century to extend the life of herbs used to ward off mosquitos (gentian and cinchona).




I’m still figuring this out, but hopefully, you enjoyed v.58 of unsnackable.

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