I think I'm being held hostage by my optimism. This would usually be no reason for concern. Moments of nearly dissociative optimism have carried me over the last few years. But, in this case, I am not the one benefitting from this optimism. AMC is.
It's been years since I've been able to indulge in my version of a moviegoing experience. Closing my computer a little early, but still later than the supposed end of the workday. Cobbling together a makeshift cocktail in an insulated water bottle or decanting just enough of a complimentary spirit to top off an artfully layered Icee. Sprinting out of my door at the listed start time of the movie because I could time it perfectly to nestle into my seat as the lights dimmed. I wasn't missing the trailers; I'd just seen all of them before.
It's been months since it was worth it, but I'm still indulging in the obstinacy required to continue paying for AMC's moviepass knockoff. When that debit hits my account every month, I write it off as a down payment on a bit of sanity because attempting to pause or cancel my account makes me reckon with this
I don't have enough coping mechanisms to let myself admit that I might not feel comfortable in a movie theater within the next sixth months.
Precarious as this headspace might be, it led me to a tweet I made in 2019 and the inspiration for the most important thing I bake each year. My birthday cake.
If there wasn't resentment stirring in my heart, I might thank AMC's ghoulish corporate overlords for setting me on this path
I decided to make a birthday cake inspired by the movie theater snacks woefully absent from my life for far too long. I reverse-engineered the twizzler taffy by dissolving twizzlers in heavy cream and making a 1:1:1 ratio whipped twizzler ganache with Valhrona strawberry inspiration feves. After some aided introspection, I accepted that popcorn doesn't taste like corn. I steeped pipcorn in an egg white/sugar syrup that I sieved, whipped into peaks, transformed into buttercream with the addition of butter, and turned dangerously addictive with a dash of chocolate malted milk powder. When a swiss meringue buttercream is an exact dupe of popcorn studded with malted milk balls, you're legally required to taste test...many times.
When my attempts to make buncha crunch were thwarted by the hydrophilic tendencies of puffed (not crisped) rice cereal, coating strawberry and watermelon pop rocks in lightly caramelized white chocolate provided the necessary textural plot twist. A slightly irreverent combination helped bring the cake layers to life. A pillowy spiced white cola cake made with glass bottled Mexican Coke and finished with heavy brushstrokes of a rum + cola cake soak made by reducing a half-bottle of Japanese Pepsi into a few tablespoons stirred into spiced rum.
I mixed the frosting colors late at night and was shocked when I saw the final cake in daylight. The color palette was giving Nickelodeon, making the Nerds Clusters a necessary flourish. The surging pandemic numbers may have kept my couch-bound birthday from feeling celebratory, but this cake provided the missing fireworks.
If I had saved you a slice, I would share, but the only thing I have for you is a piping hot batch of unsnackables
I don't know if I have any problems that could withstand the catharsis of putting freshly opened play-doh into the faux soft-serve extruder of this ice cream-themed children's toy. I would imbue the brightly colored dough with each of my complicated emotions and watch as they swirled into smooth oblivion, unable to impact me. This spaghetti ice cream novelty is the IRL equivalent of that play-doh kit. Aggressively charming, and it may also be an easy shortcut to solving all of my problems.
Despite my somewhat firm anti-pickle stance, I often find myself quite comfortable in the adjacencies of pickledom. That is why I find myself drawn to the near-excess of making a Newfoundland-style savory, pickled condiment from a vegetable so tart that it is almost always used in sweet preparations. You can never go wrong when the name can double as a diction exercise- I dare you to say "dark tickle rhubarb pickle" 10 times fast.
FRIZE ÁGUA COM GÁS DE TANGERINA (Portugal)
I'm breaking my newsletter format conventions to include this insta post instead of the product shot because I cannot articulate how it has haunted me for the last few months. I find myself questioning whether it is real, whether I am real, whether reality is real. Something about this seltzer cereal makes me wonder if I'm lucky enough to be napping in one of those matrix pods, filled to the brim with COSRX Advanced Snail 96 Mucin Power Essence instead of walking around and making sentient decisions.
I fell deep into a TikTok chasm of watching people eat licorice hockeypulver with fruit when I featured it in this newsletter at the end of last year. It made me curious enough to acquire some licorice powder of my own. I haven't tried it yet because my snack backlog is borderline hoarder status. Now I wish to add a shot of this pomegranate licorice spirit to my taste test. The aromatic sweetness of pomegranate might be able to balance the nose-tinging astringency of licorice.
I’m still figuring this out, but hopefully, you enjoyed v.55 of unsnackable.
If you didn’t please don’t tell me, tell your friends to subscribe because they hopefully have better taste than you.
Think you’ll miss me before unsnackable v.56 comes to your inbox? follow me on other parts of the internet and tell me about what you’re snacking on
I’ll try any snack at least once, so don’t be shy if there is something you want to send me to try.
I like sending something nice to your inboxes for free every week, but if you’d like to support my snack related endeavors you can upgrade to a paid subscription for just $5/month or $50/year. Or you can support my efforts directly or send me a token of birthday appreciation through venmo or paypal. Your support helps to keep this ad-free newsletter running!
Read more posts like this in your inbox
Subscribe to the newsletter