prudish gummies and wandering eyes

unsnackable vol. 43



Jul 13 2021

3 mins read


My grasp on the use of eye contact has never been more tenuous. I'm too midwestern to lose my mastery of the inane social niceties of transactional small-talk but too emotionally feral to summon the energy to hold an actual conversation and eye contact. It feels unnatural.

Attempting to write, research and publish this newsletter every Sunday night has felt equally unnatural lately. Try as I might, words remain out of my grasp during the grind of the week. And I'm desperately trying to stop letting ~productivity~ have so many romanticized main character moments in my life. In an attempt to avoid that, Unsnackable will now land in your inbox on Monday. 

In celebration of the first official Monday unsnackable, please enjoy this cake content that has catapulted me past cynicism to awe. The Moses theme? The Portuguese cover of Hallelujah? 

Like the biblical tide of frosting on that cake, please brace yourself for some new unsnackables

the unsnackables


I think gummy bears are suffering under the prudish expectations of modern society, forcing them to act like they are okay with being covered in chocolate. They deserve the freedom to frolic in their naked gummy form. My singular exception to this rule is these chocolate squares that unite lemon-flavored Tyrolean Chocolate with Japan's famous Pure gummies and a thin layer of sour gummy power in a four-sided piece of happiness. 


I love a good plot twist. Like how at some point I transformed from a person who could sleep under any conditions to someone who feels every joint in their body dissolving if I don't sleep with the right pillow. I don't know what caused the shift, but I know that these crunchy, pillowy snacks would bring more joy to my life than my growing collection of ineffective orthopedic pillows. 



From an objective standpoint, I think this is just an Alka-seltzer you can bake with or flavored baking soda that you can also drink. From an objective standpoint, I think I would also try it and buy some of the brand's adorable merch.



No one cares about your personal brand, what matters is what hyper-specific phrase they need to whisper into the mirror in a dark room to summon you. Since "C*ndyman" is taken (and horror isn't gendered), I think "muscat grape" might be mine. Like the muscat grapes that are the basis of this unique take on one of Bolivia's famous spirits, aged in the style of cognac. Because the only thing I love more than grapes or grape products is the early aughts innovation of apples infused with grape vibes.

I’m still figuring this out, but hopefully, you enjoyed v.43 of unsnackable.

If you didn’t please don’t tell me, tell your friends to subscribe because they hopefully have better taste than you.

Think you’ll miss me before unsnackable v.44 comes to your inbox? follow me on other parts of the internet and tell me about what you’re snacking on

I’ll try any snack at least once, so don’t be shy if there is something you want to send me to try.

I like sending something nice to your inboxes for free every week, but if you’d like to support my snack related endeavors you can upgrade to a paid subscription for just $5/month, and you'll receive the next paid subscriber newsletter.

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